April comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.
— Edna St. Vincent Millay
Can anyone believe the way 2022 is slipping through their fingers? The days accumulate at my feet like grains of sand, and I pick through them only to find that the past is endless. I was sick for a portion of April, coughing and choking through a painful week, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude at the prospect of seeing the world again. The weather is all the more beautiful for my absence from it; the world lovelier for its ability to continue existing without me. In truth, this seems a dangerous train of thought to follow. I’ve come back from a day that I quite frankly have to classify as delightful and I have some hopeful, earnest thoughts to share. I think that when you’re with someone you like everything is greener. The world seems a more interesting, tolerable place. Couples passing you on the street are endearing rather than annoying. Little children become beacons of joy. In general nothing can hurt you and nothing hurts. The people we love are the only ones who provide us this invulnerability.
I’m earnest. I consider myself a generally earnest person, but not someone who’s proud of that fact. The problem is I’m constantly embarrassed by it. I’ll make a joke, mutter ‘cheers’ under my breath, shoot finger guns—I can’t let myself be genuine and open without qualifying it. Which is the harm, I think. Sometimes you have to be heartfelt in a terribly truthful way and not explain it at all. Let it sit and don’t judge yourself for expressing how you feel. It’s a brave, delightful moment to behold. Accepting this is my goal for May, and I hope you share my belief in its necessity. Right now I’m drinking lemonade and writing this as I sit across from my sister and I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world. For someone whose life has been defined by the inexpressible ache to be elsewhere, this is a contented feeling. There’s something about these evenings where the sun doesn’t set and the lights are on in the kitchen and nothing hurts. Like I said before. It’s nice to feel that nothing hurts, you know? Life is defined by these moments where we’re free of our concerns. (I mean, I have a physics test next Friday, and I’m definitely not free of that, but for the sake of the moment let’s ignore that.)
This is the fourth of my monthly wrap-up newsletters. My aim with this recurring section of nowhaunting is to describe and comment on the media I have engaged with during the month, give some personal updates on life and writing, then provide some thoughts on what lies ahead. Each month of the year feels precious and distinct to me, so the goal of this is to collate thoughts I would have had on my Tumblr into a cohesive article.
This month was a difficult one in terms of reading. I focused on poetry, the comprehension and understanding of which comes much easier to me than prose. My favorite collection of poetry this month was written by T.S. Eliot (if a collection contains The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, you know it must be excellent). I also enjoyed Ocean Vuong’s new release, although I’m more partial to his first. Wuthering Heights stood up upon reread, as always, and remains my favorite novel. I’m tempted to write a series for Substack on different media that has shaped me, and rereading some of my most treasured lines in literature brought that idea to the forefront of my mind. In addition, I read James Joyce’s Dubliners, which earns its reputation as one of the best short story collections in the English language. It was a lovely if not prolific month for reading. Stay tuned for an upcoming issue on my completion of the Virginia Woolf project.
A week-long illness thrust me back into the wonderful world of film. I returned to the world of Ingmar Bergman and found my first five-star watch of the year in Fanny and Alexander. It was a captivating and beautiful film with a runtime that never felt bloated. I’m tempted to check out the full miniseries. It’s also prudent to mention that I watched the movie About Time, which moved me quite a bit. It’s a story that’s poignant while also having a sweet, low-stakes love story. I definitely intend to rewatch this in the future. I’ve discovered that one of the things that stops me from watching more movies is my inability to find and choose a movie to watch next (executive dysfunction, my old enemy), so one of my goals for May is to create a watchlist I can refer to when I have the time to watch a film.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this here before, but I have a Serializd account (it’s the equivalent of Letterboxd for TV, and it’s a great platform) and I have watched a lot of television this month. For one, I finished my rewatch of Community, which is still the best sitcom ever made. I binged the second season of Russian Doll when it came out on Netflix and was enamored with the storyline. It was a meaningful, funny, and moving season of television. My opinion on this is the only relevant one. I cannot wait for season three. My other TV watching involved Abbot Elementary (a sweet, lovely show that I’m excited to see more of) and the second season of The Good Fight (which became quite unwieldy by the end, but was mostly good stuff). And yes, I watched the first season of Friends. I enjoyed it a lot! I’m also enjoying the second season of Seinfeld, and I hated the first one.
April is the last month where we will be left without Dance Fever, the upcoming album by Florence and the Machine that only becomes better with every new song. Free is one of the greatest songs I have ever read. It is such a raw and meaningful depiction of anxiety and you can dance to it? Sign me up. I love every song from this new album and I cannot wait to hear the whole thing. I also loved Sidelines, the new Phoebe Bridgers song for Conversations with Friends (an adaptation of a book I love). The new albums I listened to this month were solid but forgettable. I think it takes a while for music to grow on me—I listened to You Signed Up For This by Maisie Peters as soon as it came out but I’ve been obsessed with her music this month. (Cate’s Brother on Spotify, please!) Check out my April playlist for more songs I loved this month.
My plan for this article allotted one hundred fifty words for a personal update. Writing this section of the monthly wrap-ups feels strangely self-indulgent, like selling off a diary entry. It’s the kind of reflection you’re not sure whether you want everyone to read or run away from. I’ve been stressed out this month; trying to keep up with the increasing demands of schoolwork while my body shouted for me to take a break. I’ve written about twelve poems for a new poetry collection, which I will write many supplementary articles for on this website for the readership of like, two people. When I post this I will have started my first in-person Model UN conference in more than two years. I feel like every month comes back to my slackening grip and fear of change, but that does seem to be a prevailing theme. Happy autism acceptance month to all subscribers who are also a member of this community.
In the future I want to try and develop some running segments on this Substack. The favorite books series I mentioned earlier is an example, but maybe I’ll branch out to consistently reviewing episodes of television I enjoy. I also want to do some writing that interrogates the cultural idea of the ‘sad girl’ (which is a thought that’s been percolating in my mind for a while) and my own inferiority complexes. I hope you have all had a rich and rewarding April whose effect will follow you into May. A third of the year is gone now, but there is still time for change. There has to be.