In the deepening spring of May, I had no choice but to recognize the trembling of my heart.
— Haruki Murakami
The swelter of the summer is upon us, and I write these words prostrate in bed to cope with the heat. May has held the greatest revelations of the year; the highest highs and the lowest lows. This month I have run through a hallway in my school screaming the lyrics to ‘Break Free’ by Ariana Grande, sent a thumbs up emoji at perhaps the worst possible moment, been made editor of the school paper for the 2022-2023 year, and received one of the worst grades of my academic career. I have also let the past sink into itself, pulled in by its own gravity, and looked with increasingly hopeful eyes towards the end of junior year. If I were a betting woman in September—or in January, if we’re honest with each other—I would’ve lost my life savings. This was not how I expected any of it to turn out, but here I am, newly single and self aware waiting for pride month to come along with open arms. I am also wearing long sleeves and long pants in thirty degree weather (this is Celsius, for the American subscribers), which might account for my discomfort. I sacrifice many things to feel better in my skin and temperature is one of them.
We learned a scientific definition of temperature in chemistry today. It’s the net kinetic energy of the particles in a gas, or something like that. I’m honestly too tired to even look it up: this newsletter is being written in between episodes of Friends. This is a small, mundane thing, a typical feature of the science curriculum, but it was pertinent enough to mention. Lately I love shows where the stakes are low and the characters are funny and the mundane matters more than anything else. Is that not what our lives are like? Is my long battle against increasing exhaustion (the sleep schedule of midnight to six in the morning is not working out, which comes as a surprise to no one) worth it because I’m finding new ways to feel joy? Yes, yes, yes. It’s hard to write a cogent paragraph or two. I hope you’ll forgive my uneven scribblings. This month I have had no choice but to wrestle with the trembling of my heart, and I have emerged victorious. My defining emotion for May is relief. It’s a lovely thing to feel, especially when you didn’t realize there was anything to be relieved from.
This is the fifth of my monthly wrap-up newsletters. My aim with this recurring section of nowhaunting is to describe and comment on the media I have engaged with during the month, give some personal updates on life and writing, then provide some thoughts on what lies ahead. Each month of the year feels precious and distinct to me, so the goal of this is to collate thoughts I would have had on my Tumblr into a cohesive article.
I read more books this month than I did last month, so I’m counting that as a win. I read Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends for a second time as part of a book club, and ended up giving it five stars when I had originally allocated three. My increased experience since I last read the novel led to identifying with Frances more, and it became a very important book to me. Over the course of a few weeks I chugged through Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates, and while I had some issues with the content of the novel her style and prose served as a great inspiration to me. On the whole it was an average, if not slightly underwhelming month of reading. The pressure of school and general executive dysfunction have been getting in my way more than I would like. Next month, I intend to return to my beloved classics and get a handle on all the unread books I possess—if such a thing is possible in such a short span of time.
Last month I indicated that I would create a curated watchlist to enable me to watch more films. I did not do that. However, I did watch the incredible Everything Everywhere All At Once, which was a borderline religious cinematic experience. The film was clever, fresh, poignant, and funny—one of my favorites of the entire year. I also saw My Neighbor Totoro (sweet if underwhelming) and the new Chip and Dale movie (which was awful). I acknowledge that I am not in the target demographic for that last one, but I can’t help but feel that there are more interesting stories to be told with less after school special energy. Children are not stupid and can handle messages that are not delivered through the voice of an upstart comedian declaring that you shouldn’t choose work over your friends. In June my Criterion subscription will restart, and I will take full advantage of school ending to watch a bunch of old films no one else has heard of, as is my right as an American.
There is a direct correlation between how stressed out I am and how much television I am watching. It is the form of entertainment that is the easiest to consume, especially considering I prefer shows with episodes that are 20-30 minutes in length. (Six episodes of Friends, while being two hours worth of watching, feels much shorter than a movie.) I’ve been watching the second season of Hacks as it comes out, which I have found highly enjoyable and well-written. In addition, I’ve watched season two of Seinfeld (huge improvement on the first season), the first season of Heartstopper with my best friend (beautiful and heartwarming), and the third season of Derry Girls (the best ending to the series I could’ve wanted). I spared an extra sentence just to describe my love for Friends (I watched seasons three and four). Like every sitcom-obsessed teenage girl from the 90s, I am deeply invested in Ross and Rachel.
The only new album I ended up listening to was Dance Fever by Florence and the Machine, but it was the best thing I’ve heard all year. Often songs with a feminist message can become muddied or feature slogans instead of lyrics, but Dream Girl Evil is both a masterclass in songwriting and has a brilliant theme. I have had The Bomb on repeat for days and sketched the hook in my notebook during class. Girls Against God is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard and Cassandra is just… brilliant. I love Florence Welch so much—this album is a masterpiece and my favorite of 2022. Next month, I want to listen to at least three new albums (at least to me, not necessarily releases from this year). I discovered a couple new songs in May on top of Dance Fever, and my playlist for this month can be found here.
Hm, what’s to be said for this month’s personal update? Well, I published a new poetry collection entitled Ophelia, which received the readership of about three people. I broke up with my boyfriend (which I would be embarrassed to write if I thought anyone would read this article) and I feel relieved. I feel like I’ve finally found the answer to things that have been churning in my gut for a while now. I am a simple woman, full of love and light and poetry, and I can look myself in the eye now. I am free! Florence Welch shouts on a ecstatic beat in the song I’ve had on loop for months now, and for the first time in a long while I feel free too. I can’t wait for this semester to be over (twenty-three days remain) and I am so excited to see who I’m going to become.
That’s all from me, at least for this month. Next month, I hope to get some articles up on this Substack about what I’m watching and reading. One of these days, I will finally adhere to my resolution to write more. It has been one hell of a May, and I hope happiness, pride, and prosperity follow you into June. In the words of many famous people (and Midge Maisel from the incomparable The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel)—thank you and good night!